Shade Goes To McDonald's

It was a day like any other. The sky was speckled with clouds, but for the most part, it was a soft blue. Birds chirped, the wind whistled and a few leaves skittered across the roads. But there was a man. A man on a mission, to provide nutritious liberation for his friends. This mission... was to go to McDonald's.

A gangling, pale man who looked no older than 17 had a look of absolute determination on his sharp face. If his straightforward and stoic walk wasn't eye-catching enough, his vibrant purple tuxedo coupled with a clashing yellow-orange bowtie certainly was. This was Shade... ex-prince of Atlantis, master of magic, defender of the universe... and he needed to get McDonald's. His friends of varying species and origins all wanted something. Trail, a pyromancer, wanted a 4 piece McNugget and Dr. Pepper. Miles, a human from an alternate reality, wanted some McApples dipped in a strange yet remarkable sauce. Shogun, a ninja, wanted a double-stuffed cheeseburger. And Shane, half-amphibian half-humanoid, wanted a McFlurry. Working as magical heroes to combat the eldritch threats looming in the distant cosmos gives people an appetite.

And so, Shade boarded his car. Nothing really special, just a Union Scorcher. Of course, to a human from Earth, this would be a very bizarre vehicle, as Union Scorchers only exist in a handful of universes. But Shade was part of a universe where these cars are common. The car reeked of expired Mexican food. Shade groaned as he turned the keys... he never did like Union cars, but they were cheap so he had to get his hands on one. He started the car and began driving.

He passed many unremarkable buildings. Mostly greyscale skyscrapers that most people would forget just a few seconds after seeing. The odd corner store and gas station were there as well, but Shade paid no attention to these buildings. His valiant quest provided no room for silly errors such as distraction. Suddenly, Queen music started playing from nowhere! Shade yelped to himself in the car, recoiling in his seat. Once he realized that it was a ringtone coming from his phone, he sheepishly chuckled to himself. He answered the phone, unsure of the caller.

"Hey all, Shade here," Shade spoke. Though he didn't want to admit it, what he said was more of a verbal sigh.

"Shade? It's Miles."

The mystery of the caller's identity was revealed. Miles had decided to give Shade a call.

"What is it, Miles? I'm on a very important mission."

"Yeah, um... this green portal kind of appeared out of nowhere. In the sky." Miles stuttered.

Shade's eyebrow raised in confusion. Surely, if a portal appeared in the sky, Shade would notice it... but then, he looked up and saw that the sky was covered by a gigantic lime green wormhole.

"I'll call you back." Shade turned his phone off and crashed his car into the side of the highway. Whoops. He acrobatically front flipped out, clasping his hands together and muttering something in a demonic language to summon runes around him. He formed these runes into discs from his hands, a la Doctor Strange. From the large portal, a bolt of multi-coloured lightning shot down to where Shade was standing. He stood his ground, though he felt very nervous about what was going to happen. From the lightning emerged a figure. A woman, with pigtails and a 50s era dress. It reminded him of stereotypical depictions of wives from back in that era when people wrongly thought nothing of women.

As she came out of the dissipating lightning, it was clear to Shade just what this anomalous creature was. It was Wendy, the mascot of the long-time McDonald's competitor Wendy's.

"I know who you are, Wendy. Please, back off, before anyone gets hurt." Shade warned. He acted tough, though deep down he was fearful. He had heard legends of Wendy's true power.

"ok ur just scared lol" Wendy replied. Shade felt a shiver go down his spine.

"Excuse me?!"

"ur just bad lol and ur jealous of me XD!!1!11" Wendy continued. These roasts would be enough to melt carbon...

"Very well. You have chosen getting hurt. Let's see you roast THIS!"

Shade through one of his rune discs at Wendy. She effortlessly jumped high into the air and levitated. She summoned a beam of energized mustard and splashed Shade with it, knocking him into his crashed car. Smoke sputtered out and got into Shade's eyes, making him cover them in fear. Next thing he knew, he was knocked over onto the asphalt by a humongous burger patty. Shade threw it off of him, blood trickling from his nose. Wendy, floating high in the air, was siphoning electricity from seemingly nowhere.

"now for my killing attack :3" Wendy taunted.

But Shade knew just what to do.

Wendy hurled a gigantic plasma burger at Shade. Mere milliseconds before Shade was disintegrated, he smirked mischievously. The burger then exploded, with Shade unscathed. Wendy's jaw would've dropped if she had been alive. Her previously delicate, smooth skin turned into unappealing ash, as her dress was covered in flames. Shade stood there, eyes popping out of his skull like a mad scientist, holding one of the most powerful weapons in the multiverse... an Uno Reverse Card. Green, to be specific.

"No u, Wendy. No u."

TWENTY AND A HALF MINUTES LATER

Shade is at McDonald's. A bland pop song is playing on the radio above him. The cashier, whose defining quality is looking like a slime monster with a neckbeard, stared at him in wonder. Shade's tuxedo was ripped, his hair was unkempt and his face was covered in a mixture of dust and blood.

"I'd like a... um... 4 piece McNugget, some McApples in Szechuan sauce, a double-stuffed cheeseburger, a chocolate McFlurry and a Dr. Pepper."

The cashier began to speak in a gravelly yet ear-piercing voice. "McNuggets, McApples, cheeseburger, McFlurry... um, we don't have Dr. Pepper, is Diet Pepsi okay?"

Shade choked on his breath for a mere moment, in disbelief to what he had just heard from her.

"What did you say?!" He exclaimed.

"Is Diet Pepsi okay?"

"Ma'am, I came here after my car crashed and I fought an eldritch demon who was the embodiment of a fast food restaurant, and you're telling me that all I can get for my friends is a Diet Pepsi?!"

"Yes, sir."

Shade sighed in agony.

"Can I speak to your manager?"